4.32am - Goosey wakes and calls out "Muuuuummmmyyyyyy!" and in doing so wakes up Lil-lil, after wearily trying to persuade them to go back to sleep without success, we all get up and begin the day. I was talking to a friend who was once a commando in the army and said the level of sleep deprivation I've gone through as a mother is similar if not worse that they endured in the army. So after three years, I think I could fully cope in the army.
6.30am - I whip up three different breakfasts to exact picky orders. Weet-bix crumbled with a little bit of milk, weet-bix with lots of milk, vegemite toast, vegemite sandwich folded just so. Personal chef extraordinaire!
8am - While talking on the phone to my mum we juggle the girls timetable of activities - swimming, music, kindy - with her timetable. Six different times to fit in with sleeps, meals, mum's ability to babysit. The organisational skill would impress the writer of the London tube timetable. While we discuss this, Goosey comes up and tries to pull a hair out of her mouth and in the same instant throws up her weet-bix and toast all over my feet and the floor. She then steps in it and does a comical woah-woah-woah before falling and skidding everywhere.
A quick clean up and a mop of the floor and we're back on track. Until I pack away some dishes and drop a quiche dish in the exact same place Goosey spewed. The broom comes out again...
9am - Paper work and long chats on the phone with my insurer about a recent claim. Discussing details of solicitors, police and other important details while Goosey pulls on my hand and screams "Mummmmyyyyy" and Lil-lil pulls tissues out of the box and tears them up into little pieces on the floor. We then traipse off to my brother's office fax off paperwork all while attempting to entertain the kids and make sure they don't toddle down the large flight of stairs.
Multi-tasking and people management would be a breeze!
10.30am - Coffee stop (need some caffeine after all). Stop kids from knocking over waiter laden with steaming cappuccinos while we wait for my coffee. Then juggle both kids across a main road while holding said coffee. Strong man? Juggler extraordinaire? Who needs a circus??
11am - Quick stop to pick up a Christmas present that I ordered at the toy shop. Try to get the kids in and out before they destroy the whole store. Keep them from running off, while picking up my order. I think I could muster a herd of cattle with ease!
11.30am - Race home through traffic while tickling Goosey's feet so she doesn't fall asleep and they say the Finns are the world's best rally drivers, they haven't met me!
12.30pm - Arts and crafts with Lil-lil while Goosey sleeps. Tonia Toddman eat your heart out. I can craft with the best of them, plus I'm sure Tonia never had to listen to the following conversation: Lil-lil: Mum, help me paint. What colour? Orange, blue, green, yellow, purple, pink? Me: Umm I'd like blue. Lil-lil: How about pink? Me: OK. A minute passes. Lil-lil: What colour now? Orange, blue, green, yellow, purple or pink? Me: How about green? Lil-lil: How about pink. And so it went on...````
2pm - shoe shopping. Besides the fact my children have freaky feet and only one in every three million pairs actually fit them, shoe shopping is a nightmare. First I get a pair for Goosey while Lil-lil pulls shoes off the shelves and attempts to put them on - usually anything pink and glittery grabs her attention. When I turn my attention to Lil-lil I have to hold Goosey down with one hand so she doesn't run riot, at the same time fit the shoes on Lil-lil and then get her to walk around while I try and see if they fit, all the while still holding down a struggling, screaming Goosey. I don't know what kind of career I could translate these skills to, but I'm sure it must be something important.
3.30pm - a trip to the park on the way home. The girls get into a fight, I spend 15 minutes trying to tear them apart. Obama's had a whole year to sort of the middle eastern mess and won Nobel Peace Prize along the way.... Ummm I think I was sorely overlooked! The Middle East versus two crazy, fiery toddlers, send me to Gaza any day!
4pm - Lil-lil throws a giant tantrum at the park, on the ground kicking and screaming. All the while a group of mothers and their nine-month-old babies look on with horror and tut-tut me as I carry the stiff, hysterical girl. Crisis management - tick!
5pm - Attempt to make dinner while hungry children harass me, not only do I not spill boiling water over them, I do it all while brokering deals like: "If you're quiet for the next 10 minutes and let me cook dinner then you can have two Princess Lil-lil stories tonight." "But mummmmmm, I want some milk, I want some bread." "Please, leave me in peace and you'll eat soon enough. If you do it you can have a chocolate freckle tomorrow. And an extra swing at the park." And on it goes... I think I could easily work in boardroom negotiations or, dare I say, hostage negotiations. A walk in the park it would be.
6.30pm - Bathtime. Sing ridiculous songs while trying to get them clean. Each night it has to be something new and fresh. Pop idol, Madonna's reinvention is nothing to the lengths I go to each night.
6.45pm - Chase and catch two slippery toddlers who hide and dart all over the house and get them dressed before they kill themselves or each other. I can do this every night and they still can't manage to find Bin Laden.
7.30pm - collapse on the lounge with a glass of wine in front of the TV. Wine connoisseur and TV critic.
Before I had kids I just went to work, pretended to be important, came home, ate dinner and went to bed. Pffft to those who say I'm losing my "skills"!