Beep, beep, beep, beep. That's the sound that's keeping me company this Saturday afternoon.
Magnesium sulfate being pumped into my veins. Stopping my blood pressure from causing a stroke. Everything is quiet, except for the odd door thudding closed now and again.
My little man is in his nursery on another floor; getting a little stronger every day. It's going to take a while though, weeks really. I haven't been able to see him today and have only got to hold him twice so far which is so strange and awful. Stupid cords on me, stupid cords on him. Getting us better but making this hard.
A week ago, I whinged about how tough it was going to be to have a newborn - feeds, vomit, sleep. How I would love that now.
Instead my little guy lies in his special crib and I can't do any of the normal things to help him.
On another floor in the building my blood pressure spikes yet again and I lie surrounded by doctors and needles and suddenly feel scared that I won't be there for my girls either. It suddenly all seems terrifying again. I thought this part was supposed to be over. Being unable to move from my bed makes it that little bit worse.
Having a baby was supposed to be simple. I never imagined it to be this.
I just hope in a few weeks this will all just be an awful memory and we can move on. The five of us, healthily and happily.