Almost five years ago, Skip and I decided it was time to start our family. We were newly married and were blissfully excited about having a little person in our lives.
Not long after, I discovered I was pregnant. We were ecstatic! So excited that we pretty much yelled the news from every mountain top. We planned, we dreamed and we chatted endlessly about the new bub. We booked into the hospital and did a tour and wondered what it would be like when we'd next be there (little did we know we'd be there sooner rather than later). Then 10-week mark came and we trotted off to our first obstetrician's appointment. After filling in all the forms, being poked, prodded, weighed and measured, it was time for an ultrasound.
The doctor made Skip wait outside for a moment. As he did the scan, I could tell things weren't right. He then took my hand and said: "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat." I looked on the screen and saw the 'peanut', a grey, blurry blob on the screen.
Skip was called in and he came bounding in excited. As soon as he saw my face, his own face dropped. We sat in that ultrasound room for what felt like hours. I was booked into the hospital the following day for a D&C.
The next 24 hours were surreal. Pregnant, yet not. I don't remember much, except waking in the middle of the night sobbing. The pain in my heart made me realise one thing – I wanted a baby more than anything else.
Months passed and I nervously found I was pregnant again. There I was in that same room again. My heart was beating out of my chest. Every part of me tense, praying like hell that I wouldn't see that look on the doctor's face. The doctor turned and said: "There's the heartbeat." I'm sure I gasped out loud. I stared at that little 'peanut' with the flickering heart and I was filled with relief, joy and love.
Skip came in, nervously looking at me to see if things are OK. I can see him visibly sigh in relief. We were going to have a baby.
This was my very first loving moment as a mother, one of my most wonderful, yet bittersweet, memories. Now, whenever things get hard or I question what it's all about, I remember the pain in my heart and that overwhelming desire to hold my baby, and I know.
I was asked to write this post by Kidspot Baby Club, an online space where mums and mums-to-be can tell stories, ask questions, share their knowledge and support each other – day or night. Something that is essential for all mums at some stage of motherhood. There are also chances to win prizes, now who doesn't like that? Check it out.